Hundreds of Worlds

I don't know how you can leave me like this. I don't know how you can pretend that this is all normal, like time apart is immaterial.

Everyday that I wake up I wish I could fall back asleep and live in another world for a while. One where I am so strong, like you expect me to be. One where I am invincible, nothing can hurt me. Where the demons can get so close, stare at me with glaring eyes, bear their teeth at me, but I laugh in their faces because they cannot touch me.

It's so much easier to live in a world like that. The one that you live in. Where 90 days is as long as 90 seconds and the giant cerulean monster that constantly threatens to swallow you is nothing but your queer pet, tamed by your mere command.

I want to live in the world you live in. I want to feel nothing. I want to live in a world without "goodbye"s or "I miss you"s. One where they are only spoken when your body can find the energy to provoke your vocal chords to find the power to vibrate.

I want to live in the world where I understand you. One where you do not let me cry in bed one day and forbid it the next. One where you do not recoil from my touch, take my hand in yours for a few moments only to drop it like a child that has lost interest in walking her dog. Find me the world you live in, where your ship turns skywards and the sheer force of your will and apathy sends you through the layers of the atmosphere. I want to go with you. Let me join you while you cruise through the unpaved antigravity roads. I want to look down on the rest of the world and laugh too.

Let's find a barren planet and promise everyone that we will return one day. Let's promise lands so fertile that there is no need to replant what we take. Let's promise time that stands still like we've discovered the Fountain of Youth. Let's call our space ship The Ponce de Leon. Let's crash it.

Allow me to hurt you and I promise I won't. Grant me permission to feel something and feel it with me. We don't have to feel it for long. Let's get caught in the doldrums of life and know that we can create our own winds if we need to. Let's leave. Let's fly, walk, cruise to lands and pretend we are conquerors. Let our flags be the footprints we leave in the soil. Let our treasures be the leaves we find in our hair after rolling around in the earth. Let's stay. Don't move. Let's be present. Let's stand at attention. Let's stand at disregard.

Let words be words. Let them be nothing more. Let's not speak. Let's create a language of our own where we trace lines across the landscapes of our bodies. Let words be what our lips do. Let love be what our lips do. Let's pretend. Let's never leave the pretending. Let's kill our obligations with the sword of adolescence. Let's walk from east to west. Let us be underdressed and overtired. Let's never eat anything but a few bites of Italian food in an ambience that does not match our aesthetic.

Let's cry. Let's never cry again. Let's cry some more. Let weakness be our strength. Let us be human. Let's not deny. Let's not pretend. Let's never pretend again. Let's be who we are. Let me know who you are. Let me love you for it. Let it be more than words we speak before we shed our layers. Let it be real. Let me wait for you. Let me feel. Let it be real.

Priya

What Yoga Has Taught Me

I've been practicing yoga for almost a year now and it is the one physical activity I've ever participated in that I've actually enjoyed. Ever since kindergarten physical fitness tests when we had to do the bar hang/pull ups, I pretty much resented any and all sports because I fell from the bar the second they took the chair out from under me.

The rules to soccer, football, and lacrosse either confused or completely disinterested me. But I think this is because I was never able to mentally take anything away from these things (even though so many other people can!). Then a year ago, I decided to sign up for a yoga class, after never even being able to touch my toes. That was my main goal: to touch my toes. So here I am a year later, a toe-touching yogi who has found something in her practice far beyond balance postures and savasanas.

1. If you can breathe through it, it will not defeat you.
   
   It seems like simple enough advice, but it's become so important to me in every aspect of life. Sometimes there are these big daunting things that we have to do, whether it be a chair pose, running for miles, or going through a major life change. In practice, during the more difficult postures, the teacher will sometimes chime in and ask, "Are any of you breathing?" and you exhale and realize that you don't know how long you'd been holding your breath. I think sometimes when we get caught up in the whirlwind of life, or a difficult posture, you become so focused on beating it, that it starts to defeat you. It has taken over your thoughts and you forget to do something as simple as breathe.
   
   
2. If you lose your breath, stop.
   
   I've noticed a commonality among people my age and that is, we do not stop. We are so afraid of looking weak that we forget that weakness is human. In yoga, the moment you start panting, you are expected to stop. You are not meant to lose your breath in that way. You should push yourself to your limits, you should try to push past your limits, but you should not kill yourself to do these things.
   
   At the gym the other day, I was running on the treadmill next to this girl who had been running before I got there. After a while of running, I noticed that she was starting to slip and could not keep up with her pace. I saw she was looking at the speed and incline on my machine and she began grasping for the treadmill handles to pull herself to the front to keep going. It looked like her face was going to implode. Life is not meant to be like this. We are not in competition with one another. You should not battle your body. When your breath and your body says stop, it is only because it knows best, not because it is challenging you.
   
   
3. Know the difference between mind and body.
   
   There's a huge difference between being in a tough posture or position and thinking to yourself, "I can't do this" and feeling your legs start to give out. It seems like a simple distinction, but it really is not. You can beat your mind and your thoughts. You should not try to beat your body. It is good to see what you can and cannot do and to challenge yourself because sometimes the biggest thing defeating our efforts is our mind. When we do balance postures in yoga, you often find out that it is not your legs or arms giving out on you but your thoughts distracting your body from the task at hand. Which leads us to...
   
   
4. You are a mountain and your thoughts are clouds.
   
   Mountains do not stop being mountains when a cloud passes by it. We cannot be affected by our thoughts all the time. Sometimes we have to acknowledge the thought for the moment, and let it pass as it is meant to. When we hang on to the things we think about too much, you begin to lose yourself and become wrapped up in something that in all actuality is not important.
   
   
5. Before you move an inch, make sure you are solid in your foundation.
   
   When entering into poses that require standing on one leg or one hand or what have you, we are taught that we must feel the strength in the foundation before we move. Before we even pick up one leg, we shift all the weight into the other and begin slowly moving inch by inch. I think this is so important. How often do we commit to doing something or try to do something only to realize later that we were just not ready for it yet? If you are not ready for something, it is in your best interest to either take it slowly or simply accept that you aren't ready for it. This is not a loss. This is not a weakness. This is a major triumph, a strength in knowing who you are and what you are capable of in this present moment.
   
   
6. You are not the you from yesterday or what you will be tomorrow, you are who you are now.
   
   When we do something today, we should not hold ourselves to the expectations of our yesterdays. What happened to us yesterday, what we were able or not able to do yesterday does not define us today, and does not define us at this present moment. Just in the way that we have our off days mentally, our body has its off days as well. Some things feel sticky or tight that felt loose and strong yesterday or vice versa. Our body changes everyday and it is our responsibility to respect those changes and to not get angry or frustrated when sometimes those changes delay our progression. You'll find much more peace and ability when you work with your body instead of against it.
   
   
7. When you are ready to do it, commit fully to being vulnerable.
   
   Take things slowly when you have to, but there must come a point when you are ready and when this time comes, you have to let go of the fear. There are so many challenging postures in yoga that include being susceptible to falling. It's scary, we want to protect ourselves always. But without releasing and without becoming susceptible to failure, we cannot know what we are capable of succeeding in.
   
   
8. It's called a "practice" for a reason.
   
   There are things in life you are not meant to ever master. There are things that you can get really, really, really good at, but that does not make you a master. If it is something that you are passionate about, you should always work under the assumption that you are still a beginner with so much to learn and with so much room to progress. With this mindset, we can let go of arrogance that may come in the way of getting even better.
   
   
9. Smile!
   
   When you are in discomfort, it should not show through on your face because that is an indication that your thoughts are adversely affecting you or that you are simply hurting yourself. But if it's the former, smack a smile on your face. It's kind of strange how much better that can make the situation. Whenever we're doing deep lunges or holding planks for a long time, our teacher will sometimes ask, "Are you making a face that would scare a small child right now?" because carrying the tension in your face does not make your burden any lighter. Inhale, exhale, lighten your load if you need to, but do not grimace. You are meant to enjoy your practice, your life.

Good vibes as always,

Priya