A Tribute

I am just as burdened by the beauty in this world as I am by the chaos and destruction.

People are sick and dying, someone just lost their loved one, there's a natural disaster, someone is living in fear for their life.

But the sun still rises every morning, the waves crash at the shore, mothers kiss their babies, a couple is getting married, the stars still shine, flowers still bloom.

I know all of it. I feel all of it. It does not weigh on me as hard as others, but it weighs on me and all of us just the same.

I do not have to live through all of it. But I have to wake up every morning knowing that I am completely powerless in helping people who deserve my help. I have to hear the news report that someone has died in a country miles from mine, from a war they did not agree to be a part of.

A young guy, who was about to go to college, have the best years of his life, lies dead in the ground with bullet wounds so fresh, blood is still coming out of them. Bullet wounds from bullets that were shot so loud, he still hears ringing in his ears in the Heavens. Bullets that were so loud his mother hears them in the middle of the night to wake her from her sleep. With bullets so real, they shot Trayvon Martin. With bullets so real, they shot Jordan Davis. With bullets so real, they have shot countless, nameless, faceless, forgotten souls. Real souls which lived in real bodies.

Real bodies that rot. That rot into our ground and become the fertilizer that sprout the seeds in every living person because we cannot rest until we are dead. And even when we are dead we will be the fertilizer that plants the seeds in the living. Because spirits do not die. Bodies die. But their spirit can be found in all of us. Because what ever short amount of time they spent on this Earth, 18 years. 17 years. 17 years. was not spent in vain.

If 3 different mothers have to say "I had a son," have to say "he had such a bright future," have to say "but he's gone now" for the rest of their lives, then I commit to keeping their names on my lips. In my heart. For the rest of my life.

I hope you know that without you, this world is a significantly different place. Who knows. Years from now you could have been kissing someone who ended up falling in love with you. Years from now you could have been the voice in the dark that saved a life. Years from now and years from now and years from now but you do not have years from now.

Years ago. You have years ago. And I promise that 17 years ago and 17 years ago and 18 years ago your mother did not bear a son just to have him die. So you leave legacies. For years from now. So that years from now, I can bear a son and know that he is safe. I know that he is safe, unarmed. I know that he is safe wearing a hoodie. I know that he is safe blasting his music in a car. You do not have years from now. They were stolen from you.

It will take the right people to steal them back, but once they are rightfully returned, those years will be given to little boys and girls who will exist years from now.

In my Philosophy class last year we were asked why there are natural disasters, if there is a God or a higher power, why does he allow people to feel such excruciating pain, why put us through it?

I believe it is because without chaos we cannot know peace.

My cousin asked me when I was 10, "If everything is red, is anything red?" And I said yes, but she said no. She said that if everything is red, nothing is red because it is just a constant state of being.

I am not saying that we are lucky to know the pain of losing someone. Or that a man must look at his own son's casket so that the world can know what goodness feels like when it comes. But it is perhaps a little more tolerable to know that our pain is not in vain. That it is shared and it is so shared that we feel compelled to seek peace.

It is perhaps the smallest consolation to the loved ones of Michael Brown or Trayvon Martin that their immense pain, that the death of a person they loved dearly, could bring about in the world, a reality where that pain turns to peace. Where because of that pain, we can know what it feels like to live without it.

That when we see this picture 

we know what it means to be in anguish. This picture haunts me because that very energy that his father was feeling, looking at that casket, is still radiating through out the world today. It is not gone, and it is not meant to leave, not until the wrongs are made right. Not until every human being can feel like their lives are just as valuable as the next guy's.

It's time to stop wishing for a better world, passively feeling bad for people, and ignoring their anguish as if you don't feel it. You don't have to be spiritual or religious to know that when you look at that picture, something changes inside of you. I don't want to be someone who brushes off another human being's hurt, I want to actively be someone who contributes to the good in the world, not someone who passively receives. I want to be a part of the equation that converts pain to peace because you cannot destroy or create energy, but you can change its form.

The best of vibes as always and my deepest love and consolation to Mike Brown's family and friends as they have just spent their second month without him,

Priya

An Overwhelming Amount of Gratitude

Last post in September, say what?!

September was a whirlwind and I am grateful for every second of it. This was the first month I lived in New York City where I really got to immerse myself in it. I have met so many wonderful people this month that I think my heart is actually overflowing, so I'm letting it spill out of my fingertips and onto this blog post. So I want to take the time to thank all the lovely people who have made my days infinitely better just by the small things they've said and done. Whether I've known you for a day or for a lifetime or anywhere inbetween, I'm thankful for the small things you've done.

Thank you to the little old woman on the subway today who told me that no outfit is complete without a smile. Thank you for telling me cheesy jokes and brightening up an otherwise dull Tuesday morning. You prove that not everyone on the subway is a creature from the black lagoon.

Thank you to my pseudo-big brother, Alex, for listening to me complain about boys even after giving me advice and telling me exactly what would happen if I did/said the stupid thing. And thank you for telling me that I was out of their league and that I would be over them in 2 weeks tops, you were right, as always. And thank you for being honest with me about things I would rather you lie about.

Thank you to my real big brother, Chris, for letting me be in your apartment pretty much every weekend and thank you for always feeding me breakfast. And thank you for finally watching Breaking Bad, I toooold you it rocks! Thank you for also for helping to keep me in check and helping make the future feel not so intimidating.

Thank you to the friends who I may not have spoken to in months but still text me to ask for my life-updates and give me theirs. Thank you also for replying when I randomly text you with the silliest things like pictures from Timehop or tweets that remind me of you.

Thank you to my best friend, Amber, who I know is super busy taking over the world at Cornell but still makes the time to read my blog posts and never fails to comment on them. Thank you for convincing me I can do anything, for making me think about what we did in fifth grade and what I want to do when I'm 50. Thank you for understanding my hatred for very insignificant things and for always backing me up.

Thank you to my other best friend, Jaylin, who always has something clever and funny to say. Thank you for listening to my petty complaints and thank you for also being petty with me. Thank you for letting me indulge and say dumb things and going on adventures with me.

Thank you to my mom who saw me with my hair in a bun, sitting in a bathrobe on the couch and said to me, "You look beautiful!" I know it's a mom's job to say those kinds of things, but my mom actually makes you feel beautiful in a bathrobe. Thank you for feeding me delicious food always and making sure that my stomach is always full to the brim.

Thank you to my sister, for making me feel included in her life. Thank you for sending pictures of the weird boys who try to talk to you and thank you for listening to me talk about the boys in my life. Even though you may not support all my decisions.

Thank you to my cousin, Shaina, who listens but does not judge. Thank you for giving me valuable advice and treating me not as baby Priya any more. Thank you also for supporting my weird taste in clothes. Thank you for Korean BBQ and sitting in your kitchen and thank you for always making me laugh. -- *Throws arms up* "Just Verner!"

Thank you to my dad, for always supporting me. Thank you for instilling in me from the day I was born that I could do anything I set my mind to. Thank you for teaching me that a person can choose to either be happy or miserable. Thank you for pizza and rides to the city, thank you for putting up with me when I don't really deserve to be put up with.

Thank you to Ali, Sonam, and Marat for inviting me to go to yoga with you guys. Thank you guys for being so open and friendly. Thank you Sonam for randomly talking to me at that KPMG event and introducing me to the people you knew and just being one of the friendliest people I've met. You guys made that terribly intense yoga class much more fun with your yoga breaths and the Starbucks afterwards. Thank you to the Starbucks guy for spelling Ali's name "Allie" and for Marat telling the Starbucks guy his name was Tom because that was just hilarious.

Thank you to the boy who I had a really strong connection with, for making me realize that there are people out there who are so similar to me and that there are likely more people out there like you but even better. 

Thank you Emily for exchanging memes, really deep talks, room decor pictures, pictures of cats, screenshots of people/things we mutually dislike. Thank you for letting me talk to you about literally anything and for not being judgmental. Thank you for being understanding and sensitive with me and then being judgmental and totally harsh at all the right times directed at all the right people. Also thank you for condoning my obsessive love for Kanye with links and pictures.

Thank you Rehan for always accompanying me to Accounting Society events, even if we mostly go just for the food. Thank you for lunches together and walking around aimlessly during club hours. And thank you for not judging my obsession with the Simpsons Game and even better, thank you for becoming obsessed too.

And lastly, thank you to everyone who reads my posts. There are hundreds more people I could probably thank and I'm not forgetting you. Seriously, there's no way I could. So many people have given me reasons to stay positive, to spread love as they've give it to me, to know that life is really a wonderful blessing. I could not be more grateful for the kind people in my life and everything they contribute, for all the laughs they've given me, and all the times I'm sure we'll share in the future. You guys rock and you deserve a high-five and a hug everyday. But since my arms would get mighty tired from that, I hope this blog post will do!

Lots of love and good vibes as always,

Priya

The Daunting Task: Passing Time

So in my last post, I mentioned my break up and how time has been the most difficult thing for me. It's a difficult thing for me to confront head-on. It seems kind of silly that the only body I've known my whole life, the only body that has been there to comfort me, to take care of me, to get me from point A to point B, the body that is mine, is the last body I wanted to spend time with.

I like people, that is undeniable. But it's gotten to a point, and to be honest, I'm still at the point where I've been seeking refuge in other people. I've been trying to make homes out of people who proved to be very temporary shelter. It's as though this past month has been a storm of my own anxiety and stress and insecurities. If I was by myself I could not get away from these thoughts.

It's hard confronting yourself. It's hard to listen to your thoughts and accept them for what they are, whether they're petty thoughts, self-destructive, egotistical, or haunting. But I'm doing my best to be entirely one with myself.

We've romanticized the thought that each of us is one half of a whole, that someone is out there to complete us. It's not an easy ideology to tear away from because it's beautiful and honestly it gives us hope that this is not all there is. That we do not have to just live with this one being that we've grown so tired of seeing everyday.

I love the thought that there are people out there "for me." But I know I am not incomplete. Perhaps initially, I thought so. But the time I've spent with myself that has been so daunting, has also been a huge opportunity for growth. There were two options, to continue being half a person or to become whole.

Last year when I was at UConn and I was facing this same challenge, time by myself, I bought myself a notebook and a card. The notebook to write in of course, and the card to remind me with its important message, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." which is among the most comforting things I've read.

It's nice to know that these thoughts that are mine, the Priya I am not content with, is not who I am forever. I am a constantly changing entity who has the full power to be whoever she pleases to be. Maybe it's a little scary to create yourself, to have to make the conscious decision to be something, rather than letting time and destiny take its course. But I know that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel uncomfortable in my skin or in my mind, that I am not the person I was the day before and I have the ability to change.

It's proving to be a difficult journey to where I want to be, and I'm sure that once I get to where I want to be as of today, I will still not stop going because I know life is about progression. Sometimes slow agonizing progression and sometimes effortless and easy progression. I know that each day I am coming more into myself, that I need to take time to grow more content with the one person who's always been looking out for me, and I know that I do not know how I am getting there. I just know that I am taking each day one at a time and I'm doing my best to not let my thoughts overpower me, but to not totally dismiss them either.

I hope that any of you that are right there with me, trying to be still and strong when hours do not seem to be passing, know that time is nothing but a man-made idea, but you are something material and that if you keep moving and going the places you want to go, inevitably time will pass too. Remember that we are not a rock sitting in the middle of a river, worn down over time. You can affect your universe more than it affects you. I need to remember that too.

Sendin' good vibes and lots of strength to y'all,

Priya

Staying Soft as Water

"All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once soft as water. And that's the tragedy of living."

This past month may have been the longest month of my life. A month ago I went through one of my biggest life shifts, my first break up. After being in a year and a half commitment, the biggest, most looming threat was time. For a year and a half, I was a unit, one half of a whole, so time was not so much "mine" as it was "ours." So this past month, I've had a lot of time to just be by myself and understand who I am when it's Sunday night and every little thing starts sitting on my skin and finds a dwelling place in my mind. Normally, I could unload and know that another person would be there to share the burden.

Through all this time, however, I've had the chance to learn a lot about myself. What I've learned is that I'm soft as water. I believe so much in everyone and that they want to be good as much as I do. Well, not everyone. But, I place a lot of trust in people, I don't want to believe in ulterior motives, acting on wicked thoughts, or anything of the sort. I want to believe that everyone who is cold and hard has the ability to go back to being soft as water.

This past month, I've done things and told people things without hesitation because I thought that being genuine would create the same effect in other people. Be honest with others and they'll be honest with you. I know it sounds childish, that people take advantage of other people's weakness when they show them, that not everyone is inherently good. But it's much easier to believe in the good in people. Isn't it sad that we need to read into what people say, that everyone has developed their own language? You say one thing, but what you mean is entirely different and it's so exhausting to even know what anyone is saying any more. I just want to believe the words you say when you say them. 

I tweeted the other week that I didn't understand the mentality of "The problem is you're too nice" because isn't the actual problem that other people aren't nice? I still believe this. I still think the problem is that other people encourage you to harden when they should be encouraging other people to soften. But I'm coming to understand the mentality more. I'm told fairly often that I'm too nice or that I can be naive and too hopeful, and besides being naive, none of those things sounded bad to me. I like being hopeful for the future and I like being nice, but life and the people I've been meeting have been making this increasingly difficult.

I don't want to harden. I don't want to be jaded. I feel like I'm pleading with the universe to be kind to me. I barter with God, if I'm good to other people, please let them be good to me. I don't think I'm easily defeated, though I'm easily hurt. I guess that's the consequence of being a soft person, you're constantly in the position of being hurt by those you love or want to believe in. Despite it all, I do not regret staying soft. I know that people are going to hurt me and they're going to try and take advantage of me because I'm willing to be open, but that does not mean they can conquer me or steal my spirit. I know being soft has a lot of negative connotations and people even use it as an insult. But just because you're soft, does not mean you are not strong. I actually think it shows incredible strength to be able to stay kind even though the world has given you infinite reason to be wicked.

Accept the hurt and the risks of being a soft person, but do not misconstrue yourself as a weak person. We need more soft-hearted people in this world. The problem is not that you are too nice, the problem is that we as a whole are so scared of facing pain that we become the kind of people who inflict it rather than accepting it as a part of life. Be a kind person, show other people that resilience is a much more admirable trait than being reactionary.

Good vibes as always,

Priya

The People Who Click

I'm trying really hard everyday to understand how the people in this world work and think. Everyday, I am blown away by the fact that I clearly know nothing about the way people's minds work.

I believe whole heartedly in sticking with the people who click, because for me, I don't connect with many people. Not a lot of people understand my unwaivering faith in humanity, not many people understand how I can go from Jack Johnson to Kanye West, not many people understand my complexities. But when I meet the people that do, I do my best to keep them in my life.

Now that's not to say that the people who don't "get me" get the boot. Not so at all, I love the people who question me just as much. But there's something so special, so unique about the people who don't ask you a million times why you do something or how you're able to think or act a certain way. You don't find those kinds of people very often, in my experience. How often is it that you find someone in this big world of 7,000,000,000+ people? It's not often. They don't just show up out of nowhere, ring your doorbell and say "Hi! I'm the person who's going to make everything feel easy."

We're lucky to find these kinds of people. But if we pass them up, if we let them go, if they choose to let us go, what do we do?

I believe in soul mates. I don't mean that I think that there's only one person out there for you. I actually believe quite the opposite, I think there's multiple people out there for each of us. I think that these people have different levels on which they connect with us. Your best friend could be your soul mate in a completely platonic way. I'm grateful to say that my best friend is my soul mate. She connects with me on every level, she gets what I'm trying to say even if my words are broken and even if she disagrees with me. She opens my mind and soul up to new ideas and she makes it easy for me to say the things I find difficult to say to most people. (That's my best friend Amber, y'all, if you don't know now ya know :) )

But I also believe in other kinds of soul mates. The people you could see yourself with connecting on a romantic level with but also on a spiritual or emotional or even an intellectual level. And even if there is a romantic connection at first that doesn't stay or maybe wasn't sincere to begin with, I believe those other levels of connection are real and should not be so easily broken. I don't think we have the pleasure of knowing enough people that we truly click with. I love all my friends and I appreciate everything they bring to my life. I love when they challenge me and question me and even make me feel like a jackass sometimes, because well... I'm a jackass sometimes.

But, if you meet someone who you can have a genuinely amazing relationship (platonic or romantic or what have you) with, who makes you feel like the things you say are not bogus or crazy, then I think we should do our best to keep those people in our lives. We need those people who make us feel like we're sane when we're saying our wildest and craziest thoughts. Those people who make you feel high off of the adrenaline of simply being understood. If you come across these kinds of people, don't throw them away. We're not all so lucky to meet them very often.

Good vibes as always and forever my lovely readers,

Priya

Slave Labor? A Coke and Phone Booth Can Fix That!

In a world like ours, given all the tragedies occurring everyday, it has become a tremendous burden to be sympathetic. We turn on the TV and it's 

*BREAKING NEWS* GAZA DEATH TOLL REACHES 1800

*BREAKING NEWS* EBOLA VIRUS CLAIMS 900 LIVES

*BREAKING NEWS* 250 UKRAINIAN CIVILIANS KILLED

and it breaks your fucking heart every time doesn't it? It breaks mine. And even though it crushes me every time I hear about it, I am glad I know about it. We are blessed to live in an information age where we can hear the screams, cries, and explosions from around the world because they deserve to be heard.

But some voices are not as loud as others and cannot reach all of us. I hadn't heard about this until a couple of days ago, but since then my heart and my head has been aching. So, before you call me sadistic for bringing up yet another devastating news story, just hear me out. Every time I hear stories like this, yes, I become restless and my eyes well up and I get angry. But I would rather be all of those things than be someone who lives in a world she knows nothing about. So, thanks to my brother and my cousin who lit a fire in my belly, I did some research on Qatar. For those soccer fans out there, you may recognize the name as the host of the 2022 World Cup.

However, what Qatar should be known for is it's exploitation of foreign workers which is really just in plain terms slave labor. So basically what Qatar has been doing for about 4 years, is promising mostly uneducated, poor, foreign workers from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Philippines, Nepal and a few other countries a chance at success, but these poor workers must first pay a middle man a large sum for a contract to work. Then, once these workers come to Qatar to help build the glorified World Cup arena, their passports are taken, and they are forced to work for about $6/day. Some are reported to make less than that, and some have simply not been paid. On top of that these workers must live in cramped quarters, living shoulder to shoulder with other workers, with barely enough room to extend their arms. On top of that, it is not unheard of for these workers to be beaten senselessly or to face other forms of cruelty. 

But the focus of my post is not just on Qatar. Yes, the situation is heinous as it is, but ah my dear friends, it gets worse. Our good old favorite American brand Coca-Cola has stepped in. You see, these laborers cannot afford to call their families, because the cost to make international calls is about $1/minute and when you're taking in $6/day (fees charged by contractors is unknown but is speculated that there are charges for staying in these rooms and for meals. However, not enough time/research has been allocated or this information simply has not been made public) talking on the phone for $1/minute is not just a luxury, but an unobtainable one at that.

So what our dear kind friends at Coca-Cola have done is set up *cue drum roll* A PHONE BOOTH! *Cue scattered and unenthusiastic applause* So Coca-Cola has set up some phone booths that instead of taking money, accepts Coca-Cola bottle caps. One bottle cap will give a worker 3 minutes of international calling. Hooray!....? The cost of a bottle of Coke over in Qatar is about 55 cents, so workers are saving some money on phone calls. How awesome! Except not.

Because what Coca-Cola is essentially doing by placing these machines in Qatar is condoning slave labor. They are condoning exploitation and they are saying it can all be made right with a 3 minute phone call? Under the circumstances you buy a bottle of Coke first of course. They are not only condoning this behavior, but exploiting the situation themselves. They see thousands of desperate workers just dying to talk to the people they love, and they swoop in. It's about as humanitarian as me finding a child lost in the mall and telling him/her that they can call their parents from my phone but only if they give me their lunch money. What do I lose by letting the kid make a phone call? Nothing. But, I have everything to gain because I am in the position of power and there is someone who is desperate and willing. But we all know the multinational corporation worth $168.7 billion dollars can't afford to give those calls for free right? Or make the phone calls last 10 minutes? Or maybe even 5 minutes? But I mean, it would probably be too much for someone who hasn't heard or seen his family in months, sometimes years and does not have the ability to go home in the foreseeable future, to talk to his wife and kids for longer than 3 minutes right? Right...

Here's the Coca-Cola commercial advertising these phone booths.

Yay! So in the middle of working of working 10-12 hour days in the 100+ degree Qatar heat, you can have a 3 minute phone call!!! Man, isn't Coca-Cola great?

Sarcasm aside, it is really heart-wrenching to watch this video. What's even more heart-wrenching are all the articles and comments praising Coke for doing this. Yes, maybe in the smallest of ways it's a kind act because some workers got to talk to their wives and kids. But in a much bigger way, Coke is supporting the people who stole these people's passports and are essentially holding them as hostage slave laborers. A hundred phone calls couldn't make up for it. If Coca-Cola was really about bringing people happiness, don't you think they'd be at the Qatari government's throats trying to free these men? Or creating awareness ads around the world so that maybe we could send in our Coke bottle caps to these guys? An "act of kindness" like this one begs the question, is Coke doing this for exploited workers or is Coke doing this for Coke?

Your thoughts/comments/critiques are always welcome.

Good vibes and lots of love always,

Priya

*Here are some sources for those of you interested in the subject or just doubting some facets of the post. Either way, great information.*

http://www.newyorker.com/business/currency/coca-colas-happiness-machines

http://www.businessinsider.com/qatar-world-cup-workers-dead-2014-3

http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2014/jul/29/qatar-world-cup-migrant-workers-fifa-chief

http://www.irishtimes.com/sport/soccer/international/qatar-construction-workers-earn-55c-an-hour-1.1881868

http://www.forbes.com/companies/coca-cola/

And this is the link to the Coke commercial in case you want it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlA9tXYxD8g

Nothing but Human

I just got back from a trip to our neighbors to the North with my boyfriend. After the trip I learned a few things:

1. There are absolutely no road signs in Toronto and the ones they do have are of essentially no use.
2. Canadians (or at least those in Toronto) are not nearly as friendly as American stereotypes make them out to be, although I'm sure many are very friendly, given it's a city of about 3 million people. But people definitely do not just approach you to tell you how fabulous and beautiful you are. Trust me, I was trying to telepathically get at least one Canadian to do so. It didn't happen.
3. It's really hard to get past being judgmental of things you're not used to, but once you do, you realize what you've been missing out on.

When I was a kid, I knew I was a New Yorker. What I thought being a "New Yorker" meant when I was young was wearing high heels, walking really forcefully through people, and glaring at virtually everyone. I actually kind of wanted to be hated/feared because that's what I thought it meant to be a "true New Yorker".

Maybe that definition is true for some New Yorkers. But what I've realized a major problem is, is that we all seem to need to define people. A Canadian must be nice, a New Yorker must be jaded, a Californian must be laid back, an Indian must like spicy food, a Jamaican must smoke weed, etc etc.

And although the stereotypes themselves are part of the problem, I think the fact that we need to be defined as something also has some negative effects. I don't like putting labels or definitions on people because it seems more like a limitation than anything else. I don't think there's any real way to rid ourselves of stereotypes until we rid ourselves of definitions. It's the same problem we see with "dash Americans". Once you're Indian-American or African-American or what have you, you create a separation between yourself and other people and you corner yourself into being defined as just that.

Sure, there is also an element of unity through labels. But it's the same element of unity that you see in the grocery store where all the tomato sauces are in one place, all the Hershey's chocolate bars are in one place, and the orange juice is in another place. But the food in the grocery store has nothing to gain by being placed next to un-like things. We do. 

We have so much we can potentially learn about other people's cultures and the way they do things, if we stopped saying that is the "American way" of doing things, or the "Canadian way" or whatever it is. It seems that we are resistant to change because we don't want a new normal. We just want our plain old regular normal. Which is natural, change should make you feel at least slightly uncomfortable. But just because we feel uneasy about something at first does not mean we are incapable of adjusting to it. Humans for our entire existence have been adjusting to change because we have to in order to survive. We adapt and we become more efficient by learning from each other, not by shunning other people's methods and ideas.

When we were in Canada, some Canadians we ran into were surprised to hear we were from the US because we seemed like Canadians because we were friendly and easy to talk to. Which kind of makes you think, how many people in this world think Americans are unapproachable and close minded simply because we're American? A lot, I'm sure. And what other parts of ourselves, what other defining elements make other people assume that we're something when we're not?

Maybe it's just me, but I see no real benefit in telling people my ethnicity or where I'm from. All it does is allow people to create opinions of me before even getting to know me. "She's Indian, she must be stingy with money" or "She's Indian, she must be very smart and good at math" whatever it is you're saying, if you want to form an opinion about me, then why not just ask? All I know is that I'm a citizen of this world and I know that these borders we created have caused nothing but tension. The India-Pakistan border is the most highly patrolled and most tense border in the world. Why? Pakistan used to be part of India. We all used to identify as the same people, maybe not totally peacefully, I acknowledge that. But doesn't it seem a little close minded to draw imaginary lines through the sand because we can't get along? Weren't we taught at some point in like...kindergarten that we have to at least tolerate each other? 

It seems especially today with all that's happening in the world, we pass along through generations reasons to hate a certain people. And it gets to a point, if it hasn't already, where we can't remember why we hate each other, we just know that we do and we find new reasons to hate. It seems to me, that we look for differences more than we look for similarities. And we waste all this energy, human potential, and resources just to generate hate, a useless emotion if you ask me, which really only generates more hate. I know it's not easy to love. Hell, it's not even easy to like a person sometimes. But I think we should at least try to remember a few things:

I'm human. You're human. I feel pain. You feel pain. We both just want to live and breathe and not worry about dying because you hate me or because I hate you.


Maybe it's too much to ask for, in a world where we have the weaponry to blow up the entire Earth five times. But I do believe that years down the line when we're all sick of being defined, marginalized, or killed because of imaginary lines drawn on maps, we'll realize we're nothing more than human. Or maybe the time will come when everyone's backgrounds are so blended and we can't tell who comes from where, maybe it'll be then. I don't know, I can only hope that we are not defined by where we come from or where our parents come from. We are defined by what we do, how we choose to treat each other, and our capacity to tolerate if not love.

Nothing but good vibes and lots of love as always,

Priya

How Hip Hop Has Changed Me

Before I start writing this post, let me start off by saying something because I know the creatures of the Internet like to unnecessarily jump down people's throats: Whatever I write after this paragraph, is how I feel, they're my experiences, and I'm not saying that other types of music can't have the same effect on someone else. I write what I know and I speak on my own behalf, not anyone else's. I also of course understand that what I write is not applicable to every song that falls under the broad category of "rap" and "hip hop," but it is applicable to the rap and hip hop I listen to.

So before I tell you how hip hop has changed me, I suppose it's important for you to know what I was like before this change.

The ages 12-15 in my life were not the best years of my life, which I'm sure many of you can relate to as well. They're the "awkward years," you're in-between just beginning to grow and fully blossoming. But I found these years especially hard because I wasn't just awkward, I didn't understand any part of my identity. I was this first-generation Indian-American who was bad at sports, decent at school, and introverted. I had no clear group of people I belonged with. From what I've experienced there are two kinds of first generation Indians, the ones who are really connected with Indian culture, language, dress, etc. and the ones who are "white washed," who barely associate with anything Indian, and are considered just "American." I was in-between the two really, because I love my culture, but I leaned more towards the latter.

The trouble with being an Indian who isn't really considered Indian, is that you can feel every cultural difference between you and the rest of the world weighing on you. Where do you fit in? Not black. Not white. Not Spanish. Not Indian "enough" to be considered a "true" Indian. As a result, I felt completely isolated. I didn't feel like I could connect on any level with most people.

I listened to a lot of sad music at this time. It was all I listened to really, songs about other people's pain and sadness and how they were so absorbed in it they had to express it in minor chords and depressing lyrics. I took their sadness and made it my own.

Until one day, my brother gave me his old iPod and instead of immediately deleting his music off of it, I scrolled through. I came across some songs and artists I recognized and some I didn't. One song I didn't recognize but I felt inclined to listen to was Erase Me by Kid Cudi featuring Kanye West. Basically, it's just a song about how a girl Kid Cudi is no longer with wishes she could get away from him, but he's everywhere because he's "in the magazines, on your TV..." and basically just super successful and famous. This was the first time I'd heard a break up song from a different perspective. It wasn't about the artist missing someone or crying over that person being gone. This time the artist was the object of affection, he was the one in power, the one who was confident, living his own life.

Something like that could seem insignificant to the casual listener. But to me, at that time, at that point in my life where I surrounded myself in sadness, my ears perked when I listened to it. I dove deeper and deeper into the sounds and lyrics of hip hop and rap. All of the artists I listened to sang about success, they rapped about the struggles of reaching that success, about the people who told them they couldn't make it, about the people who supported them, about celebrating life in its entirety, of being blessed for starting out so low and ending up so big. I couldn't escape all of this positivity, this unwavering faith in one's self regardless of the circumstances.

But even more than that, I came across artists who rapped about being alone, not fitting in with their surroundings or the people around them, but still believing that they themselves were the greatest thing since sliced bread. 

Big Sean raps, "You write your name in sharpie, I write mine in stone. I knew the world was for the taking and wouldn't take long."

Kanye West raps, "Ya'll don't know my struggle. Ya'll can't match my hustle. You can't catch my hustle. You can't fathom my love dude."

J. Cole raps, "We don't look nothing like the people on the screen...but we got dreams and we got the right to chase 'em."

And so on and so forth. It was such a shift in perspective for me. These guys rap about the hard times in their life like it was a necessary step to move forward. The music I used to listen to talked about the hard times in life as if it was defeating them. As if they were hit with bad luck over and over again.

Further than the lyrics to the song, the way this music makes you want to move is unlike any other. Most rap music isn't very "dance-y" per se, but the body language is so dominating, so powerful. In so many rap videos, rappers are raising their arms up, legs wide apart, the "boss" stance. These guys (and ladies!) don't just rap about being successful. They embody their image of success, they paint the scene of lavish lifestyles, and lives that were unlike the ones they had before things got better.

When I listen to this music and I see these artists live in concert, I'm on another level. I'm consumed by self-love, power, confidence. I'm not Priya from Small Town, NY. I'm Priya from Small Town, NY who is going somewhere, who is constantly moving forward, whose sadness isn't perpetual but is just part of the process of becoming great. 

Some of you may be saying, "Ok... but what in the world does that have to do with anything you said in the beginning about your identity?" Fair enough, I can answer that. Before I had this paradigm shift, so to speak, every part of me that was different from the people around me felt like something that was wrong. But when I listen to rap, they never talk about the part about themselves that held them back initially as a bad thing. On the contrary, it's something to capitalize on. Kanye West rapped, "I'm trying to right my wrongs, but it's funny them same wrongs helped me write this song." 

It didn't bother me any more that I didn't fit in to any one group because that meant I couldn't be defined by one group. I'm glad for that now. As a result of "not fitting in" in any one place, I fit in everywhere. The hardship of not knowing who I am wasn't a perpetual hardship like I thought it would be, it was just a step towards finding my strengths and learning how to capitalize on those weaknesses.

So yes, people can go on bashing rap and hip hop for being tasteless and vulgar or whatever else people who don't give rap a chance say. But let me tell you, The Beatles never made me feel as alive as Kanye West does. So say what you want, but I'm grateful there are people out there who are willing to make music based off their own cockiness and ego because in turn it made me realize there are things about myself that I can be cocky and have an ego about, shamelessly.

Who knew? You can find love for yourself in the most unlikely of places. I'm grateful for that and I continue to search for anything and everything that can make me the way rap makes me feel.

I wish you all the most beautiful and blessed week!

Good vibes,

Priya

*Bonus* Here's some of the music I used to listen to. I'm not trying to imply in any way that it's bad or that people who listen to it are wrong. It just wasn't the right music for me.

Three Days Grace - Pain
Scary Kids Scaring Kids - The Bright Side of Suffering

Getting Better and Moving Forward

Hey everyone! So first off, I'm sorry my posts have been so inconsistent! I can't even believe how fast time has been flying by without me even noticing. Between finishing my first year of college and now I've been busy with my trip to St. Maarten, Governor's Ball, what felt like a very long job search, and now I've just started my new job so things have been hectic. But I like things to be hectic, because a Priya in motion tends to stay in motion, whereas a Priya at rest will stay at rest and keep resting until it's noon and then she has to get up and pretend she's a real person who like, does things.

But back to my new job, I'm really enjoying it thus far and it's given me this really amazing opportunity to learn things I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. So yesterday, the company I work for hosted a conference where the top executives and sales reps and just really amazing successful people gave some talks.

One really great part (among many many great parts) was when the Six Rules of Engagement were spoken about. So what the Six Rules are supposed to help you with is any relationship or goal you have. The speaker said that if you're feeling off in your personal/professional relationships or feeling off track with your goals, it's probably because you're not following one or more of these rules. I don't know if any of you have heard of these rules, but if you haven't, then you're in the right place!

The Six Rules of Total Engagement

1. Believe the future can be brighter than the past
   I personally love this rule. I know I'm not the only one who can cling on to the past from time to time and believe that those were the best times. But then, you realize at one point in the past you didn't think life could get any better and then it did. There's this vicious cycle where we think nothing will be as good as X event in our life, and we doubt and we worry, but then something happens and it's amazing and wonderful and then we can't imagine it getting better, and so on and so forth. So if we just eliminate the doubt and the worry and all the other negative emotions we feel towards the future and we truly believe in our abilities, then we can more easily understand that our future can and will be brighter than the past. Just remember, there's so much to look forward to, life only stops when you do.
   
2. Believe you can influence that future
   
   Life doesn't just happen. Everything in your life is a consequence of your actions. Take responsibility for your failures as often as you take responsibility for your accomplishments. If you acknowledge that you got this far because of you and your actions then you can acknowledge that your future is not some destination to be reached. It's something you mold and form like clay. So if you want to sit idly by and pretend you have no control over your future, expect to get what you started with, a lump of clay. But if you want to take action and you want to learn and do things that you feel are right for you, then expect to see something beautiful, but not just anything beautiful, something beautiful that you created.
   
3. Have 4th level energy
   
   Basically, there are 4 levels of energy that human are capable of. I'm no expert at what they exactly are but here's the vague idea: First level energy is lethargy and misery, second level energy is being annoyed and bothered, third level energy is contentedness, and fourth level energy is excitement and invigoration. I'm sure you've met people with each of these levels of energy. You've probably noticed that you feed off it and that their lives also seem to match this energy. So the people who you always see smiling and always seem excited are the people who are telling you about all of the amazing things that are going on and you just feel excited for them. Then you meet the people who are just plain miserable. And it's not just them, but their computer just broke, they always wish the day would "just be over," and life seems to be a never-ending crap storm for them. By having 4th level energy, you not only change your attitude, but you change your perception of the world around you. The rain isn't a bad forecast for these people because they've just been meaning to stay in and catch up on a book. A stain on their clothes before they've arrived to work isn't the end of the world, but just a funny story on how crazy of a morning they had. Nothing is so bad that these 4th level energy people can't turn it around. Admit it, you admire those people but are also secretly envious of them too. Simple solution: BE one of them!
   
4. Have the ability to delay gratification
   
   We all want results and we want them now. Liiiiike right now. But as we've all come to know, nothing happens immediately. This one's easier said than done, but we have to accept that time is a concept that humans have instituted and now have to deal with. We have to wait sometimes to see the results we work hard for. Maybe we feel like we deserve them now, but just because things don't happen when we expect them to, doesn't mean that they won't ever happen. It'll happen. Just learn to accept that there's a process to getting there and unfortunately none of us (to my knowledge) are psychics and can predict exactly when things will happen. Whatever steps you're taking to reach your goal, keep taking them. Even if it takes 10 years longer than you expected to reach your goal, at least you'll have reached it, which is arguably way more rewarding than saying, "Yeah I tried that once and decided to quit before anything could happen for me."
   
5. Become a "make it happen" person
   
   Shout out to NR and Dr. Gill because when I heard this, that's all I could think of. It was great advice in high school and it's great advice now. If you want something, then you make it happen. Unfortunately, we're not each assigned a person at birth who is designated to help make our lives easier for us. So if you don't do it yourself, don't expect it to happen at all. Simple as that. Good things don't "come" to anyone. Good things are obtained by people who go out and get it themselves.
   
6. Know how to keep yourself inspired
   
   This one is so important, in my opinion. Once you've lost your inspiration, it's hard to remember why you should keep going. But honestly, it's not like inspiration is too hard to come by. With the Internet and information being so accessible, it's not hard to find people who have already done the thing you want to do. Or, if you're like me, you find inspiration in music, song lyrics, energetic videos, things of that nature. It doesn't even have to be relevant to my goal, it just gets me excited for whatever I'm doing which is what I need from time to time. Here's a few songs/videos that basically just get my hyped:

Kanye West & Jay-Z - Who Gon Stop Me

Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothin

Kanye West - Champion

FIFA I Believe That We Will Win

Rudy Francisco - Complainers

**I would apologize for all the songs being Kanye West, but let's be real, I'm still me and I won't apologize for being me (and having great taste in music) hehe

But really, these are just songs that I know make me want to conquer the world, they're just there in case you need a little inspiration to find your inspiration ;)

I hope this post was helpful. No matter what you want to do, who you want to be, where you want to go, try to apply these things into your life. In my opinion, no matter who you are, these are all helpful. They're not especially hard to do and I believe that they each have the power to change who you are.

Good vibes and lots of love y'all,

Priya

The Age of 'Not Enough'

The year is 2014 and instead of seeing college kids having daily BBQ's and bonfires you see college kids looking 10 years older than they actually are, frantically filling out job applications, updating resumes, volunteering for causes they don't care about, walking across the street with their eyes glued to cell phones or tablets not caring if that bus is turning or coming straight at them.

We're constantly doing and going and none of it seems to be for us. It's been ages since I've heard someone say "Who cares! I'm young!" which was my own personal slogan for what seemed like ages but what was probably just for the summer before I went to college.

Other than that, my whole life has been focused on getting ahead. And it's not just me either, but my friends, my siblings, even my parents. It all seems to be fueled by this sonic-paced lifestyle we live. No one else ever seems to stop going, so why should I, right?

Facebook update: Your childhood best friend just got a super successful internship and is making a boat load of money and you're....... doing..... what?

Instagram post: Someone you graduated with is touring Europe going from place to place and enriching their life and the most exotic thing you've seen this week is the mold growing in your Greek yogurt.

Twitter status: In under 140 characters, someone has said something more clever or funny than you could say if you were given 14,000 characters.

And you never stop seeing this stuff. It's like every time you pick up your phone someone has done something to invalidate what you've just done. Someone's having more fun, doing more, being more proactive, saying something profound.

And with all this constant pressure on us, with all these constant reminders that other people are succeeding, how can we stop? How can we not feel like anxious balls of stress? It's not like we're not justified in feeling this way. At this point in life or time or whatever is the cause, if we stop doing or going, we automatically forfeit the race. There is no "me" time. People even check their phones while they're on the toilet. How can we expect a minute to ourselves when someone is sending out emails while they're taking a shit? How can we compete with that?

Maybe it's the quick progression of technology that makes us so fast-paced. Maybe it's the pressure to succeed our parents, to support them and take care of them one day. Maybe it's the hope that we could be the 2014 Jay-Z, selling cocaine one day and dropping albums the next while never stopping the hustle. I don't know. What I do know is that when I read the quote, "They say you die twice. Once when you stop breathing and the second, a bit later on, when somebody mentions your name for the last time," I felt this insane pressure to not be forgotten. To never die the second time. 

And I don't mean I want to be up there with Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln, I just mean I want my great grand kids or great great grand kids to still talk about me. I think this fear of dying the second time, being forgettable, not doing enough, is what drives us. We all want to be legends. We want to keep going, we want to leave our imprints on the Internet by posting our successes, failures, heartbreaks, and bathroom breaks. I think we want to do enough and be enough and that is why we can't stop.

I think our cell phones, laptops, and tablets, are constant reminders that things do not stop moving and neither should we. Because before the Internet, when the sun went down and it was time to sleep, we weren't acutely aware that people in China were awake and working their asses off.

Honestly, I think it's so great that so many people are so driven. I think it's great that we want to succeed. What I don't think is great is that there seems to be no limit to greatness for anyone. There is no stopping point. If I had a million dollars.... I'd want a million more.

I just hope at some point we realize that it is enough. That whatever we've done, after all our tireless work, is enough. I also hope that we don't take too much time to realize it. I don't want to look back on my life and remember resumes and job applications and emails. I hope we all give ourselves a break and take time to appreciate ourselves and our hard work because we deserve that much.

Good vibes y'all,

Priya

Happy Thoughts!

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted, but forgive me it's finals time, so I've been too busy trying to convince people that I'm actually studying and not just bs'ing my time away (which I am but that's besides the point). But as this semester is coming to an end, I can't help but reflect on all the wonderful things that have happened and just how generally happy I've been.

In March, I made the post "Good Vibes All the Time" which is what my blog is now named after. In the 2 months since that post, I've stuck to being positive and doing my best to only release positive energies into the world.

I can't even begin to explain what a world of a difference it has made for me. Last semester, I was lethargic, negative, unwilling to try new things, worried, lonely, etc. I engrossed myself in this very negative energy that ultimately made my circumstances worse. I wondered why I was having a difficult time making friends and adapting to a new environment but instead of looking inwardly, I put the blame on everyone but myself.

This semester, I took the time to reflect on myself. I acknowledged that I wasn't the friendliest person, but I made myself at least try. As a result, I've met some of the best people at the school I transferred to. I've been trying new things, (like Lebanese food which I just tried at Madison Square Eats and LOVED), going out with new people (which resulted in finding $1 slice and $2 beer aka a broke college student's paradise), wearing clothes I never would've given a second glance (which ended up lookin' FIERCE), and living with two complete strangers who turned out to be the coolest and sweetest people (who also taught me so much these past 4 months).

I do things I've never done before, like just let loose and dance and sing in front of strangers, which would've terrified me a few months ago because I was scared of being laughed at. But really, who laughs at someone who's having the time of their lives? No one. And even if they do, you don't care!

Seriously, some days I feel so happy it feels like my soul is dancing inside of my body. It's inexplicable. All it took was for me to stop dwelling on the negative things, whether about myself or others.

So if y'all are up to it, I recommend trying to think more positively. I think the best way to start (and the way I started) was to think about all the things and people I'm grateful for every night before I went to sleep. I would just make a list in my head and then think about why I'm so fortunate to have that blessing in my life. It may sound a little weird, but I'd say it's a better way to fall asleep than stressing about the test you have tomorrow!

And on that note, I should probably start studying for my finals.

Sendin' y'all all the good vibes and positive energy in the world

Priya

P.S. I'm grateful for all of you who actually read these posts. Lots of love!
P.P.S. Special shout out to Kerry for introducing me to the movie The Secret which really inspired to keep up the positive thinking!

Letting Go

“Buddhism teaches that joy and happiness arise from letting go. Please sit down and take an inventory of your life. There are things you’ve been hanging on to that really are not useful and deprive you of your freedom. Find the courage to let them go.”

When I first read this quote, I just thought it was beautiful. But upon reading it again after thinking some very negative thoughts about myself/having a not-so-great day, it really spoke to me. I know everyone has their off days/weeks but for some reason I've just been in a really bad head space. Whenever I'm usually in this bad place, I do my best to turn it around. I combat the negative thoughts with positive ones. I think about the things I'm grateful for, the things/people that I love, what I love about myself, so on.

But for some reason these negative thoughts kept coming back to me, so I'm here to let them go. I know it kind of seems insincere to post them on the Internet, but it really does help me. If I write it down and keep it private then it's still technically with me and that does nothing for me. So I'm releasing them into the wilderness of the Internet.

Here's my inventory:

I've harbored a lot of negativity because I've lost three best friends over the course of my life. And when I say best friends I mean people who were huge parts of my life, people who I thought would one day be my bridesmaids. But they just left. I've asked myself time and time again why I can't maintain a friendship worth a damn and I've picked myself apart trying to find the answer. I feel like I've lost three huge parts of myself. Parts that I thought would be with me until I was old and grey. But they're not any more. It's taken me a lot of time to come to terms with this fact, but I guess I finally have, so I'm letting them go.

When I was around the age of 10-13, I was not very fond of myself. I criticized and berated myself and told myself that I was not good enough. I could not accept the fact that I was not effortlessly beautiful or effortlessly talented or effortlessly anything. I was mad that nothing came naturally to me and that even when I tried my hardest, I still came up short. Unfortunately enough, thoughts from the ages of 10-13 don't always stay there. They travel with you and haunt you until it's years later and those thoughts make their way to the forefront of your brain again. But I think enough years have passed. So I'm letting go of the fact that sometimes my best isn't the best. I'm letting go of any negative feelings about myself. If it's not a constructive criticism, then it's just destructive and I am not made to be destroyed or hated, especially by myself.

The last thing I'm letting go of is comparing myself to other people. Growing up as the baby of the family, there were a lot of expectations placed on me that I never agreed to. But eventually, that competitive nature became a part of me and it has hindered me ever since. It's difficult for me to understand sometimes that life is not a competition and that if someone does better than me, that is not an indication of my worth, but of theirs. I struggle with being happy for other people when they do better than me and I know that's a horrible selfish thing to say, but it's also completely human. But I don't want to feel like everyday of my life is some race that I have to win the gold medal in. Some people are really good at things that I'm not and some people also work really hard to get what they have and I have to remember that. So I'm letting go of valuing my worth based on other people's successes and failures. My worth is entirely based on what I do and what I contribute to the world.

*Phew* If you stuck with me through that, then kudos to you because I know it was mentally exhausting just for me to write. I guess this post was more so for myself and my self-healing. But, I hope anyone who reads this does the same. Take an inventory of your life and get rid of the stuff you don't need. As cheesy as it may sound I feel 100 pounds lighter after coming to terms with those things and just releasing them from my thoughts. So if you guys feel like you're also in a bad head space or you're holding onto something, write it down, or draw it, or scream it out of your window, just get it out there so that it's not taking up space in that lovely mind of yours.

Sendin' you guys all my postive vibes and thoughts

Priya

Marking My X's

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I value. I guess that sounds like pretty big thinking for a 19 year old. To be honest, I agree. But the more people I meet and talk to, the more I ask myself who am I, where do I stand, what's important to me?

To get straight to the nerdy truth, I started thinking about my life as a video game. Specifically, RuneScape. Save the jokes please. The amount of time I used to spend playing that game is really the joke itself. Okay, now hear me out.

I think of everything I do now in terms of stories to tell and well... experience points. When I have to choose between buying an expensive purse or something of that nature or saving that money for concert tickets, I choose concert tickets.

Although part of me really wants to wear expensive things and look ultra-fabulous another part of me knows that none of that will make my future metaphorical kids say, "Wow my mom was so cool when she was young." And yes, I'm already trying to impress my kids. Doing my best to avoid the lame parent cliche already.

But anyway, I think of going to a Kanye West concert as like +10 experience points, because HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT I SAW KANYE WEST LIVE. If my kids aren't impressed by that, then they're the ones who are lame. Passing down a 20+ year old purse or coat won't mean anything. It'll most likely be out of style and everyone's going to wonder why you're clinging to the bad fashion of the "old days". But no one's going to wonder why you're still talking about the concerts you went to. They'll know why, it was awesome and it was worth remembering. It's worth talking about 20 years later.

While the experiences you have, like going to a concert, are experience points, I think the world is really just a map to mark your X's. For a long time I thought I never wanted to leave New York. Seriously, never. But now, all I can think about is all the places I want to have memories in. Sure, I've already started marking my X's. East 105 St. is always going to be the first place in NYC I lived. East 25th and Lex. is going to be my alma mater.

But what if San Francisco is supposed to be the first place I get a real job? What if I'm supposed to dance on bar tables in Dallas? What if I'm supposed to get a nasty scar on my calf in Sydney, Australia? What if I'm supposed to find my "something blue" at a street market in Greece? Or Italy? Or Thailand?

I don't want my life just to be a collection of Chanel purses or Yves Saint Laurent necklaces. As beautiful as those things are, what do they mean? What do they represent? I want my life to be a collection of old CD's, ticket stubs, photos, piercings, and everything else no one else can have. I want my life to be a collection of the places I've been, the things I've seen, the people I've met. I guess I'm just coming to realize that no one's going to care about all the beautiful things you have unless you can tell them why it's so beautiful to you.

Good vibes ya'll

Priya

How I Fell In Love

Today in my English Comp class we had to do a writing exercise which was to tell a story without following a linear timeline. I'm not much of a story teller... mostly because I don't have many stories to tell. But, there was one that I knew I could tell. Recently inspired by How I Met Your Mother (despite the awful series finale, don't even get me started), I decided I would tell the story of how I fell in love.

*Side note this writing prompt was inspired by the writing style of Lidia Yuknavitch in The Chronology of Water*

Sorry to those of you who aren't saps like me, you may not like this post! But here's what I've written so far:

This is the story of how I fell in love.

February 11 2013, I had just become reacquainted with a guy I was great friends with the year before. Back then we always had these really bad jokes that we thought were hysterical. So a few days earlier I had sent him a picture of a Valentine's Day card with a picture of Hitler on it with the message "Be Mein". Michael agreed it was hilarious and asked if I wanted to make these cards with him and hand them out on Valentine's Day. Obviously I agreed. It was too good not to do.

On that Monday, Feb. 11 2013. we  went to CVS and bought lollipops, condoms, and paper to print the cards on. I'll never forget what he was wearing that day, a navy V-neck sweater and blue jeans. His hair was getting longer than I remembered and his beard was starting to grow out.

About a year earlier I never really noticed what Michael was wearing. I loved him then but in a different way. He was the guy who made me laugh, who paid inexplicable amounts of attention to me, who picked up a key and said, "This is the key to my heart" because I told him a few days before that it would be a really cheesy and cute thing for a guy to do.

There is no specific time when I fell in love with Michael. I'd like to say there's one specific time or day, but there isn't. I fell in love with him so many times over and over.

The day he gave me that key was the first time.

Another time was on February 11 2013 after we had finished making those cards. When we finished making the cards, I went into his closet and started putting on his clothes. This led to a full blown dress up party with funky hats and scarves. Then I realized that any guy willing to play dress up with you at the age of 18 just to make you laugh is the kind of guy you want to be with. I fell in love with Michael on that day too.

On Michael's 18th birthday, August 6 2012, I made him a mix CD. I called it "Songs from 17" because Michael was wildly opposed to turning 18 and becoming an adult. So I made him a mix of the songs we used to drive around to or make fun of and occasionally sang along to. On that day, Michael gave me a gift too. We drove to the Sea Wall and he gave me the bottle of Chanel perfume that I had asked for months ago. I fell so in love that day that it scared the hell out of 17 year old me.

February 14 2013, Michael and I walked around the high school cafeteria like demented Cupids handing out our cards with Hitler's face on them and lollipops and condoms attached. Everyone seemed to want one. As if everyone wanted to laugh with us and our weird inside joke. Us, Michael and Priya. Michael and Priya. MichaelandPriya. One unit.

Later during that lunch period, Michael got called out because he received a singing Valentine. A singing Valentine, if you don't know, is basically one of the most obnoxious things ever. You stand in the lobby and the chorus forms a circle around you and sings at you while all your friends watch. It's awful. Borderline torturous really. I had them sing "The Longest Time" to him.

On February 21 2012, I would've never guessed that one year minus three days later I'd be dating that boy who's house I went to watch Star Wars (and play Star Wars monopoly) with. February 21 2012 is the day I first hung out with the boy I would later fall in love with over and over again.

aaaaaaand that's all I've got so far. I wrote this (brain stormed the idea and actually wrote it) in about a half an hour or so. I recognize it's not perfect, but it's what I've got!

Sendin' ya'll all the good energy in the world,

Priya

Bonus!

Feb. 11, 2013: The Valentine's Day cards and their lovely makers.