“Buddhism teaches that joy and happiness arise from letting go. Please sit down and take an inventory of your life. There are things you’ve been hanging on to that really are not useful and deprive you of your freedom. Find the courage to let them go.”
When I first read this quote, I just thought it was beautiful. But upon reading it again after thinking some very negative thoughts about myself/having a not-so-great day, it really spoke to me. I know everyone has their off days/weeks but for some reason I've just been in a really bad head space. Whenever I'm usually in this bad place, I do my best to turn it around. I combat the negative thoughts with positive ones. I think about the things I'm grateful for, the things/people that I love, what I love about myself, so on.
But for some reason these negative thoughts kept coming back to me, so I'm here to let them go. I know it kind of seems insincere to post them on the Internet, but it really does help me. If I write it down and keep it private then it's still technically with me and that does nothing for me. So I'm releasing them into the wilderness of the Internet.
Here's my inventory:
I've harbored a lot of negativity because I've lost three best friends over the course of my life. And when I say best friends I mean people who were huge parts of my life, people who I thought would one day be my bridesmaids. But they just left. I've asked myself time and time again why I can't maintain a friendship worth a damn and I've picked myself apart trying to find the answer. I feel like I've lost three huge parts of myself. Parts that I thought would be with me until I was old and grey. But they're not any more. It's taken me a lot of time to come to terms with this fact, but I guess I finally have, so I'm letting them go.
When I was around the age of 10-13, I was not very fond of myself. I criticized and berated myself and told myself that I was not good enough. I could not accept the fact that I was not effortlessly beautiful or effortlessly talented or effortlessly anything. I was mad that nothing came naturally to me and that even when I tried my hardest, I still came up short. Unfortunately enough, thoughts from the ages of 10-13 don't always stay there. They travel with you and haunt you until it's years later and those thoughts make their way to the forefront of your brain again. But I think enough years have passed. So I'm letting go of the fact that sometimes my best isn't the best. I'm letting go of any negative feelings about myself. If it's not a constructive criticism, then it's just destructive and I am not made to be destroyed or hated, especially by myself.
The last thing I'm letting go of is comparing myself to other people. Growing up as the baby of the family, there were a lot of expectations placed on me that I never agreed to. But eventually, that competitive nature became a part of me and it has hindered me ever since. It's difficult for me to understand sometimes that life is not a competition and that if someone does better than me, that is not an indication of my worth, but of theirs. I struggle with being happy for other people when they do better than me and I know that's a horrible selfish thing to say, but it's also completely human. But I don't want to feel like everyday of my life is some race that I have to win the gold medal in. Some people are really good at things that I'm not and some people also work really hard to get what they have and I have to remember that. So I'm letting go of valuing my worth based on other people's successes and failures. My worth is entirely based on what I do and what I contribute to the world.
*Phew* If you stuck with me through that, then kudos to you because I know it was mentally exhausting just for me to write. I guess this post was more so for myself and my self-healing. But, I hope anyone who reads this does the same. Take an inventory of your life and get rid of the stuff you don't need. As cheesy as it may sound I feel 100 pounds lighter after coming to terms with those things and just releasing them from my thoughts. So if you guys feel like you're also in a bad head space or you're holding onto something, write it down, or draw it, or scream it out of your window, just get it out there so that it's not taking up space in that lovely mind of yours.
Sendin' you guys all my postive vibes and thoughts
Priya
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Marking My X's
Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I value. I guess that sounds like pretty big thinking for a 19 year old. To be honest, I agree. But the more people I meet and talk to, the more I ask myself who am I, where do I stand, what's important to me?
To get straight to the nerdy truth, I started thinking about my life as a video game. Specifically, RuneScape. Save the jokes please. The amount of time I used to spend playing that game is really the joke itself. Okay, now hear me out.
I think of everything I do now in terms of stories to tell and well... experience points. When I have to choose between buying an expensive purse or something of that nature or saving that money for concert tickets, I choose concert tickets.
Although part of me really wants to wear expensive things and look ultra-fabulous another part of me knows that none of that will make my future metaphorical kids say, "Wow my mom was so cool when she was young." And yes, I'm already trying to impress my kids. Doing my best to avoid the lame parent cliche already.
But anyway, I think of going to a Kanye West concert as like +10 experience points, because HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT I SAW KANYE WEST LIVE. If my kids aren't impressed by that, then they're the ones who are lame. Passing down a 20+ year old purse or coat won't mean anything. It'll most likely be out of style and everyone's going to wonder why you're clinging to the bad fashion of the "old days". But no one's going to wonder why you're still talking about the concerts you went to. They'll know why, it was awesome and it was worth remembering. It's worth talking about 20 years later.
While the experiences you have, like going to a concert, are experience points, I think the world is really just a map to mark your X's. For a long time I thought I never wanted to leave New York. Seriously, never. But now, all I can think about is all the places I want to have memories in. Sure, I've already started marking my X's. East 105 St. is always going to be the first place in NYC I lived. East 25th and Lex. is going to be my alma mater.
But what if San Francisco is supposed to be the first place I get a real job? What if I'm supposed to dance on bar tables in Dallas? What if I'm supposed to get a nasty scar on my calf in Sydney, Australia? What if I'm supposed to find my "something blue" at a street market in Greece? Or Italy? Or Thailand?
I don't want my life just to be a collection of Chanel purses or Yves Saint Laurent necklaces. As beautiful as those things are, what do they mean? What do they represent? I want my life to be a collection of old CD's, ticket stubs, photos, piercings, and everything else no one else can have. I want my life to be a collection of the places I've been, the things I've seen, the people I've met. I guess I'm just coming to realize that no one's going to care about all the beautiful things you have unless you can tell them why it's so beautiful to you.
Good vibes ya'll
Priya
To get straight to the nerdy truth, I started thinking about my life as a video game. Specifically, RuneScape. Save the jokes please. The amount of time I used to spend playing that game is really the joke itself. Okay, now hear me out.
I think of everything I do now in terms of stories to tell and well... experience points. When I have to choose between buying an expensive purse or something of that nature or saving that money for concert tickets, I choose concert tickets.
Although part of me really wants to wear expensive things and look ultra-fabulous another part of me knows that none of that will make my future metaphorical kids say, "Wow my mom was so cool when she was young." And yes, I'm already trying to impress my kids. Doing my best to avoid the lame parent cliche already.
But anyway, I think of going to a Kanye West concert as like +10 experience points, because HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT I SAW KANYE WEST LIVE. If my kids aren't impressed by that, then they're the ones who are lame. Passing down a 20+ year old purse or coat won't mean anything. It'll most likely be out of style and everyone's going to wonder why you're clinging to the bad fashion of the "old days". But no one's going to wonder why you're still talking about the concerts you went to. They'll know why, it was awesome and it was worth remembering. It's worth talking about 20 years later.
While the experiences you have, like going to a concert, are experience points, I think the world is really just a map to mark your X's. For a long time I thought I never wanted to leave New York. Seriously, never. But now, all I can think about is all the places I want to have memories in. Sure, I've already started marking my X's. East 105 St. is always going to be the first place in NYC I lived. East 25th and Lex. is going to be my alma mater.
But what if San Francisco is supposed to be the first place I get a real job? What if I'm supposed to dance on bar tables in Dallas? What if I'm supposed to get a nasty scar on my calf in Sydney, Australia? What if I'm supposed to find my "something blue" at a street market in Greece? Or Italy? Or Thailand?
I don't want my life just to be a collection of Chanel purses or Yves Saint Laurent necklaces. As beautiful as those things are, what do they mean? What do they represent? I want my life to be a collection of old CD's, ticket stubs, photos, piercings, and everything else no one else can have. I want my life to be a collection of the places I've been, the things I've seen, the people I've met. I guess I'm just coming to realize that no one's going to care about all the beautiful things you have unless you can tell them why it's so beautiful to you.
Good vibes ya'll
Priya
Monday, April 7, 2014
How I Fell In Love
Today in my English Comp class we had to do a writing exercise which was to tell a story without following a linear timeline. I'm not much of a story teller... mostly because I don't have many stories to tell. But, there was one that I knew I could tell. Recently inspired by How I Met Your Mother (despite the awful series finale, don't even get me started), I decided I would tell the story of how I fell in love.
*Side note this writing prompt was inspired by the writing style of Lidia Yuknavitch in The Chronology of Water*
Sorry to those of you who aren't saps like me, you may not like this post! But here's what I've written so far:
This is the story of how I fell in love.
February 11 2013, I had just become reacquainted with a guy I was great friends with the year before. Back then we always had these really bad jokes that we thought were hysterical. So a few days earlier I had sent him a picture of a Valentine's Day card with a picture of Hitler on it with the message "Be Mein". Michael agreed it was hilarious and asked if I wanted to make these cards with him and hand them out on Valentine's Day. Obviously I agreed. It was too good not to do.
On that Monday, Feb. 11 2013. we went to CVS and bought lollipops, condoms, and paper to print the cards on. I'll never forget what he was wearing that day, a navy V-neck sweater and blue jeans. His hair was getting longer than I remembered and his beard was starting to grow out.
About a year earlier I never really noticed what Michael was wearing. I loved him then but in a different way. He was the guy who made me laugh, who paid inexplicable amounts of attention to me, who picked up a key and said, "This is the key to my heart" because I told him a few days before that it would be a really cheesy and cute thing for a guy to do.
There is no specific time when I fell in love with Michael. I'd like to say there's one specific time or day, but there isn't. I fell in love with him so many times over and over.
The day he gave me that key was the first time.
Another time was on February 11 2013 after we had finished making those cards. When we finished making the cards, I went into his closet and started putting on his clothes. This led to a full blown dress up party with funky hats and scarves. Then I realized that any guy willing to play dress up with you at the age of 18 just to make you laugh is the kind of guy you want to be with. I fell in love with Michael on that day too.
On Michael's 18th birthday, August 6 2012, I made him a mix CD. I called it "Songs from 17" because Michael was wildly opposed to turning 18 and becoming an adult. So I made him a mix of the songs we used to drive around to or make fun of and occasionally sang along to. On that day, Michael gave me a gift too. We drove to the Sea Wall and he gave me the bottle of Chanel perfume that I had asked for months ago. I fell so in love that day that it scared the hell out of 17 year old me.
February 14 2013, Michael and I walked around the high school cafeteria like demented Cupids handing out our cards with Hitler's face on them and lollipops and condoms attached. Everyone seemed to want one. As if everyone wanted to laugh with us and our weird inside joke. Us, Michael and Priya. Michael and Priya. MichaelandPriya. One unit.
Later during that lunch period, Michael got called out because he received a singing Valentine. A singing Valentine, if you don't know, is basically one of the most obnoxious things ever. You stand in the lobby and the chorus forms a circle around you and sings at you while all your friends watch. It's awful. Borderline torturous really. I had them sing "The Longest Time" to him.
On February 21 2012, I would've never guessed that one year minus three days later I'd be dating that boy who's house I went to watch Star Wars (and play Star Wars monopoly) with. February 21 2012 is the day I first hung out with the boy I would later fall in love with over and over again.
aaaaaaand that's all I've got so far. I wrote this (brain stormed the idea and actually wrote it) in about a half an hour or so. I recognize it's not perfect, but it's what I've got!
Sendin' ya'll all the good energy in the world,
Priya
Bonus!
Feb. 11, 2013: The Valentine's Day cards and their lovely makers.
*Side note this writing prompt was inspired by the writing style of Lidia Yuknavitch in The Chronology of Water*
Sorry to those of you who aren't saps like me, you may not like this post! But here's what I've written so far:
This is the story of how I fell in love.
February 11 2013, I had just become reacquainted with a guy I was great friends with the year before. Back then we always had these really bad jokes that we thought were hysterical. So a few days earlier I had sent him a picture of a Valentine's Day card with a picture of Hitler on it with the message "Be Mein". Michael agreed it was hilarious and asked if I wanted to make these cards with him and hand them out on Valentine's Day. Obviously I agreed. It was too good not to do.
On that Monday, Feb. 11 2013. we went to CVS and bought lollipops, condoms, and paper to print the cards on. I'll never forget what he was wearing that day, a navy V-neck sweater and blue jeans. His hair was getting longer than I remembered and his beard was starting to grow out.
About a year earlier I never really noticed what Michael was wearing. I loved him then but in a different way. He was the guy who made me laugh, who paid inexplicable amounts of attention to me, who picked up a key and said, "This is the key to my heart" because I told him a few days before that it would be a really cheesy and cute thing for a guy to do.
There is no specific time when I fell in love with Michael. I'd like to say there's one specific time or day, but there isn't. I fell in love with him so many times over and over.
The day he gave me that key was the first time.
Another time was on February 11 2013 after we had finished making those cards. When we finished making the cards, I went into his closet and started putting on his clothes. This led to a full blown dress up party with funky hats and scarves. Then I realized that any guy willing to play dress up with you at the age of 18 just to make you laugh is the kind of guy you want to be with. I fell in love with Michael on that day too.
On Michael's 18th birthday, August 6 2012, I made him a mix CD. I called it "Songs from 17" because Michael was wildly opposed to turning 18 and becoming an adult. So I made him a mix of the songs we used to drive around to or make fun of and occasionally sang along to. On that day, Michael gave me a gift too. We drove to the Sea Wall and he gave me the bottle of Chanel perfume that I had asked for months ago. I fell so in love that day that it scared the hell out of 17 year old me.
February 14 2013, Michael and I walked around the high school cafeteria like demented Cupids handing out our cards with Hitler's face on them and lollipops and condoms attached. Everyone seemed to want one. As if everyone wanted to laugh with us and our weird inside joke. Us, Michael and Priya. Michael and Priya. MichaelandPriya. One unit.
Later during that lunch period, Michael got called out because he received a singing Valentine. A singing Valentine, if you don't know, is basically one of the most obnoxious things ever. You stand in the lobby and the chorus forms a circle around you and sings at you while all your friends watch. It's awful. Borderline torturous really. I had them sing "The Longest Time" to him.
On February 21 2012, I would've never guessed that one year minus three days later I'd be dating that boy who's house I went to watch Star Wars (and play Star Wars monopoly) with. February 21 2012 is the day I first hung out with the boy I would later fall in love with over and over again.
aaaaaaand that's all I've got so far. I wrote this (brain stormed the idea and actually wrote it) in about a half an hour or so. I recognize it's not perfect, but it's what I've got!
Sendin' ya'll all the good energy in the world,
Priya
Bonus!
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