So in my last post, I mentioned my break up and how time has been the most difficult thing for me. It's a difficult thing for me to confront head-on. It seems kind of silly that the only body I've known my whole life, the only body that has been there to comfort me, to take care of me, to get me from point A to point B, the body that is mine, is the last body I wanted to spend time with.
I like people, that is undeniable. But it's gotten to a point, and to be honest, I'm still at the point where I've been seeking refuge in other people. I've been trying to make homes out of people who proved to be very temporary shelter. It's as though this past month has been a storm of my own anxiety and stress and insecurities. If I was by myself I could not get away from these thoughts.
It's hard confronting yourself. It's hard to listen to your thoughts and accept them for what they are, whether they're petty thoughts, self-destructive, egotistical, or haunting. But I'm doing my best to be entirely one with myself.
We've romanticized the thought that each of us is one half of a whole, that someone is out there to complete us. It's not an easy ideology to tear away from because it's beautiful and honestly it gives us hope that this is not all there is. That we do not have to just live with this one being that we've grown so tired of seeing everyday.
I love the thought that there are people out there "for me." But I know I am not incomplete. Perhaps initially, I thought so. But the time I've spent with myself that has been so daunting, has also been a huge opportunity for growth. There were two options, to continue being half a person or to become whole.
Last year when I was at UConn and I was facing this same challenge, time by myself, I bought myself a notebook and a card. The notebook to write in of course, and the card to remind me with its important message, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." which is among the most comforting things I've read.
It's nice to know that these thoughts that are mine, the Priya I am not content with, is not who I am forever. I am a constantly changing entity who has the full power to be whoever she pleases to be. Maybe it's a little scary to create yourself, to have to make the conscious decision to be something, rather than letting time and destiny take its course. But I know that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel uncomfortable in my skin or in my mind, that I am not the person I was the day before and I have the ability to change.
It's proving to be a difficult journey to where I want to be, and I'm sure that once I get to where I want to be as of today, I will still not stop going because I know life is about progression. Sometimes slow agonizing progression and sometimes effortless and easy progression. I know that each day I am coming more into myself, that I need to take time to grow more content with the one person who's always been looking out for me, and I know that I do not know how I am getting there. I just know that I am taking each day one at a time and I'm doing my best to not let my thoughts overpower me, but to not totally dismiss them either.
I hope that any of you that are right there with me, trying to be still and strong when hours do not seem to be passing, know that time is nothing but a man-made idea, but you are something material and that if you keep moving and going the places you want to go, inevitably time will pass too. Remember that we are not a rock sitting in the middle of a river, worn down over time. You can affect your universe more than it affects you. I need to remember that too.
Sendin' good vibes and lots of strength to y'all,
Priya
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